Often, we have difficulty accepting our own needs and shortcomings, as well as the daily mistakes we make. (Yes, I believe we all make mistakes every day - or at least, fall short of an ideal standard in some area of thinking, believing, and acting.) Our needs may seem embarrassing to us, such as needing more sleep than the average individual, or needing glasses/contact lenses, or more deodorant than the average person.
We may feel a sense of shame over other needs. Sometimes, our families taught us that to feel sad or depressed or to cry is bad, wrong, or inferior (and worse, treat it as a feminine shortcoming - that's sexism at work). So, having strong feelings, especially negative ones, may cause us a sense of shame that leads to repressing them, often to the point that we don't even realize how we feel, or it may lead us to hiding our emotions, believing that we simply can't let anyone else know how we feel or they will reject us. We may also feel a sense of shame over our sexual needs - and yes, both affectionate touch as well as orgasmic release/relief can be considered needs from a holistic perspective.
Finally, we also may literally hate ourselves when we make mistakes, whether big ones, like committing an error at work or forgetting a child's ball game, performance, etc., or other mistakes like forgetting to pay bills, showing up late for an event that's important to a partner or friend.
When we reject ourselves like this, whether for our own neediness or for our own mistakes, it usually stems from experiences of rejection of our needs and desires when we were younger, and/or rejection of ourselves when we made mistakes while growing up in our families, or at school, or early in our work life.
If we can remember and get in touch with our thoughts and feelings and what others said to us during those times, it can help us learn to choose happier, healthier, more self-accepting and affirming thoughts. For instance, if we grew up attending a school where a teacher shamed people who made mistakes with their multiplication tables by saying something like, "You never get these right. You are such a slow learner!" That belief, "I am a slow learner," may get stuck in our head, unless we manage to resist it and switch it with a positive affirmation such as, "If I study hard, sooner or later I will learn what I need to know."
Catching our current negative thoughts and beliefs is so important. Let's say you make a mistake at work, and you feel afraid that the boss will get really angry at you. So, you start telling yourself what an idiot you are, and you believe that about yourself, and you believe the boss will get angry as well. Now, you have yourself rejecting yourself, you feel angry and afraid, and so, if your boss does come, you will probably experience your boss expressing disappointment in you, perhaps also rejecting your work and possibly you.
Now, as soon as we notice that we are feeling bad, we know that we have had a negative thought or belief about ourselves. Or, perhaps we aren't really aware that we feel anxious or upset, but we notice that we've had a negative thought like "I'm so stupid."
Beating ourselves up like that is toxic to our feelings, our subconscious mind, our subtle energy system, and therefore also to our bodies, because it's all linked. But we can stop it. The reason we feel bad, anxious, or stressed, is that we are having negative thoughts in our heads. The reason that we have negative thoughts in our heads is that we learned, usually from someone else, to think negatively about ourselves, or to have negative beliefs about ourselves such as: "I always screw up."
We learned this way of thinking and feeling, so we can obviously learn to think and feel differently. Isn't that good news? Of course, it may not be easy, because we have to learn to notice and to change our negative thoughts and beliefs. Loving ourselves means committing ourselves to noticing our own negative thoughts, and changing them to positive, loving, affirming, accepting thoughts.
For example, if we hate it when we get somewhere late, we may hear the voice of a relative yelling at us that we are always so inconsiderate and self-centered and we can't plan ahead and get organized, and on and on. In effect, we internalize all those beliefs, which is what they are. Perhaps we have a form of attention deficit disorder, which can lead to distractability as well as difficulty getting organized, which in turn can lead to ending up being late. We may want to find out if we have some sort of inner challenge of this sort, so that we can learn ways to deal with it.
In the meantime, as soon as we notice that we are feeling bad because we're late, we need to ask ourselves what we're thinking and believing about ourselves. Then, we need to ask ourselves, "was I being considerate of that person?" If we become aware that we have difficulties getting organized and planning ahead, we need to love and accept ourselves for being that way, and commit ourselves to learning how to get better organized, and to begin to plan ahead when we have somewhere to go. Next, we need to think new, more positive thoughts such as, "I had other concerns that kept me from focusing on getting there on time, but I love and forgive myself, and I know I can and will do better."
Accepting ourselves the way we are is essential to loving ourselves. Committing to work on ourselves so that we will be the way we long to be is also imperative, or we will tend to remain in a state of feeling worthless and unacceptable. That is not a very positive way to live life. We literally need to learn to love and forgive ourselves, and to accept everything about ourselves just as we are. For many of us, that can take a lot of conscious work. Getting help through life coaching can definitely help. We can accomplish this if we commit to becoming a happier, more loving person. That kind of success is attainable by anyone and everyone. And you deserve to be happy, loving, and loved!
Love & Light,
Carol
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